Acharya Ani Pema Chödrön
Here's something a little different. This is mostly for dear sister Mona, but I will share it with anyone looking in who tracks events that occasionally find their way to this blog. It may provide context for some of what is to come.
I have been using some of my down time since the employment contract ended to catch up on some Buddhist teachings by a wonderful western woman, who as a Buddhist nun is known as Pema Chödrön. In addition to books I already had, I recently obtained some video tapes and audio CD's of her teaching at various places. The fact that she resembles my dear departed mother adds a certain ethereal quality to listening to and watching her.
I had a disturbing experience over the past few days (I'll get to that), and have been unsettled as I try to figure out what to do next. Yesterday I listened to one of Ani Pema's recorded talks, and while I try to be attentive, I sometimes wonder if I miss the essence of what is there. This afternoon, I was trying to recall one point, and seeking clarity I re-played the section where it had been brought up.
It was about the way the property of joy was taught by Ani Pema's teacher, Trungpa Rinpoche. In Buddhist teachings, there are four properties that help address the woes of the human condition when incorporated into one's practice and life. Loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity - they are know as the Four Limitless Qualities.
Trungpa Rinpoche taught that unlimited joyfulness was available to us as we begin to develop a sense of our basic goodness (inherent in everyone). As we tackle and reduce the influence of negative emotions, our bravery and good heart can provide a great happiness - an inner strength and unshakable trust in our true nature.
The Buddhist approach to developing this great and limitless joy is to train (as in meditation) in being present, staying with the present moment - being with ourselves, our thoughts, our emotions - without judgement - without always needing to say yes or no, for or against.
There is a great trap that can snare one when negative emotions appear in life and are not dealt with at the onset. One wants to recognize the thoughts or events that set off the negative reaction and emotions, and deal with the vulnerability that is touched at this early stage. It can feel like a constriction, or closing down - I'm guessing we all know this well. If not dealt with at the onset with some compassion and insight, negative emotions can just sort of run away with us, getting stronger and stronger and stronger, until that's all you really experience - this strong aversion, or dislike, or disdain.
As you might expect, this can be a bit of a drag on the joy and peace of mind that is our birthright.
On Monday, I found a great fare to Merida from San Francisco the very next day, Tuesday. I booked it with some excitement and nervousness. We have been talking about coming full circle to the idea of buying a house there and picking up at some point our plan so hastily dismantled a year ago. Some of the unexpected results of that deviation from the Merida plan are well known to anyone who follows the occasional meandering of this record. Needless to say for those familiar with the situation, this has the potential to be a sensitive area.
Within hours, I was recalling all the difficulties I perceived from previous trips and began dreading the imminent departure. Small negative thoughts grew large, and blossomed into big negative emotional turmoil. Until that was all I really experienced. By morning, I was ready to cancel the trip - and did.
Well.
So now on Tuesday I am hanging around the house, which I just hours earlier had perceived to be such a refuge and zone of safety - and just felt foolish as hell. I watched the times come and go for the flight and connections, and eventual arrival in Merida. Today again, rattling around the house aimlessly, I imagined the day dawning in Merida and contrasted the uncertainty but potential of that situation with the familiarity but limiting existence of life here in the big rental place.
I napped. I walked the dog. I made tea. I vacuumed. I napped. I discussed the whole messy situation with Mona for a while and got her usual helpful view.
And I listened to Ani Pema - which is why I ended up posting this.
It occurs to me I should attempt to set up this trip again, and soon. I just need to let it happen without expectation or judgement, and not get carried away with any negative thoughts that float by about it. Monday evening I was telling Pat how much I did
As he correctly pointed out in his usual understated way, it really depends on how you approach the situation.
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