I've never really had the urge before to attend Burning Man, but this year for some reason I became almost obsessed with the idea. Unfortunately, this fixation didn't occur until the event was already underway. Maybe it's because I have been struggling with the desire to finally get deeply involved in a creative activity and associate with other creative people. Also, since I am no longer connected to a work place and feel alienated from the community we live in due to the insane real estate circumstances, I crave the sense that I belong somewhere, even if only for a week or so.

From the time I got this notion yesterday (Tuesday), I really had only a few hours to commit or blow off the idea. In order for a trip to make sense, I would have had to assemble all the stuff to make it through four days in the desert, then head out for the six-plus hour drive to Gerlach and the playa, hoping that a $350 ticket would still be available at the gate.

I was up until after midnight looking at hundreds of amazing photos and reading blogs and stories about the event, and after a fitful night without much sound sleep, I finally decided to just enjoy the spectacle vicariously and stay put here. The coverage in blogs, press, and photos online is so good you get a real sense of the art and events there - as well as some of the anthropological richness, I think. Before long I will be off to Mexico anyway, for a different kind of adventure that is no less wondrous than a big staged artsy-fartsy countercultural extravaganza (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Later this evening, we were talking about the irony of the concurrent event in the Nevada desert and those in Louisiana and Missisipi. On the Burning Man playa, all all the folks who paid several hundred dollars each for admission are running around sampling all the free booze and food and entertainment, and gushing about how charitable they all are to each other, living for a week in a society where everyone is so mutually supportive and everything one needs is available as a gift from strangers. In the Gulf states, one of the lowest income parts of the country, people with no insurance on their cars or homes have lost everything. Most now have no job, no posessions, no income, no savings. They are not so idealistic given the realities that they face. A lot of them are no longer even alive to face the horror that grows more evident by the hour.

Soon enough, we may all feel the effects of what has happened there - as the devastation of petoleum production and refining facilties kicks the chocks out from an economy already perched on a steep downward slope.

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Yesterday, I met friend Arelene at work in Castro Valley and we went out for lunch. She had mentioned a good Indian place, and after we set out in my car, I realized the place was in Hayward, perilously close to where we used to live.



I have passed by the familiar exits a few times unavoidably on the freeways, but this venture into a familiar neighborhood set off new unsettled sensations. It was, I imagined, like visiting a crime scene, or the setting of some great recent tragedy. There was already a little of this feeling just being back in the Bay Area, and seeing familiar people and places like Alameda that have a more distant association with the old comfortable past.

Coupled with our recent expansion of potential outcomes to include new communities in Colorado, and a more rural domicile, messing around with activities that close to the old life was very unsettling. As I told Arlene, it isn't so much the exact components of the old life that I mourn the loss of (although there is still some of that), but the sense of stability and security that existed then. We agreed that such things are illusory anyway - that everything inevitably changes and evolves - but not knowing where or when or if I will be working, and what kind of home we might end up with or what city, state, or country that might be located in - is quite a shift from those innocent days.

Despite these occasional upsets of equilibrium as vestiges of the past encroach on my efforts to accept what each day has to offer and we pass through this time of transition and opportunity, I find that I am rattled less and for shorter periods of time. Probably as the whole story begins to seem less dramatic and the desire to know the outcome less desperate, a fine resolution will spontaneously occur that calls into question the need for all the angst in the first place.

Hopefully, the lessons learned through all this will make acceptance of the inumerable changes still to come more graceful.

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Pat had an uneventful trip home from Colorado and Wyoming. Will it surprise anyone to learn that rather than narrowing our options or (God forbid) finding a place we could commit to, we actually ended up considering aditional options following the trip?


Pat finishes his coffee on the new deck at the ranch before heading for the Denver airport.

For one thing, there are a lot of attractive properties with one to five acres that would be suitable for horses - and having younger sister Becky join us (with her two horses) at some point offers a lot to everyone. Becky could get into a house and start gaining equity (she's priced out of the Reno bubble market for what she wants), and Pat and I would have a trusted family member to watch after the dog, garden, and chickens while we traipse around Mexico occasionally. Owning a bigger more remote property offers more privacy and the options to raise chickens and have a sizable garden. The exercise of maintaining such a place would be a good substitute for the gym (please don't remind me of the complaining about the Hayward upkeep), and a big garden could keep us fed well and healthy. I've done it before (in Hayward) - it would be best as a retirement activity, as it takes a LOT of time.


Becky and me in Reno last year - passing through on my way to California from Colorado
When we make it to Mexico for the long-term, a garden would be a big deal as well. SO far, I haven't been very impressed with the fresh produce down there, but maybe that will change when we explore Michoacan (and Oaxaca?). I am pretty sure I will go to Michoacan for the Morelia-Patzcuaro-Uruapan inspection before I head for Colorado and whatever is going to happen there. Pat proved once again that what you perceive online when looking at property listings - no matter how many photos are offered - can differ greatly from what you experience after 30 seconds on the ground there. This suggests that in order for us to find a place, I will probably need to just GO there - drive out with the M-dog in the car, and set up base camp at the ranch for an indeterminate period of time. Then, she and I can head down to Fort Collins or Loveland and scout both rentals and properties for sale.

This commitment to go find a place would require a drive time while the weather is still good over the multiple mountain ranges - probably before mid-November. And Pat has travel coming up for his work - lots of days during multiple trips to several Eastern locations. So I need a gap between those to shoehorn in the Mexico trip.

Sounds like we're really making progress, doesn't it?

Pat finished his two-day tour of Northern Colorado today checking out a dozen or so homes in various neighborhoods of Fort Collins. Early in the day, he ran across a nice place with a For Sale sign that wasn't on our lists, and when I looked it up online it looked very promising - a bit small but nice, with an enclosed back porch, fireplaces in the living room and den, and a decent kitchen. Not a single square foot of the despised wall-wall carpet either - all hard-surface.

Because much of the the flooring was laminate (not genuine hardwood) and the place lacked a basement, the idea occured to both of us that a place like this might make a good rental property. We've been thinking that kind of investment is a very attractive alternative to stocks and bonds as a parking place for retirement funds, as the financial markets appear to be poised teetering on the brink of the abyss.

This was a new idea, starting out in a home purchased for the purpose of becoming a rental. But it makes so much sense - we get to move on with our plans to relocate, we live in the investment house while we begin to realize modest appreciation and avoid paying rent, we have ample time with both of us in Fort Collins to find the place we really want to live in, and I can get on with whatever will come next for me career-wise. When we find the right place, we tidy up the first house and put it on the market for rent.


$239,000 can buy a pretty nice house in Fort Collins.

The house was ideally suited for rental really, low maintenance, with a slightly outdated but servicable kitchen, and those durable laminate floors. Small enough so as not to attract a big household full of destructive children...

But in the end, I think the concept was a little to new for us to act on with so little time to fully consider everything. Even though I was a little anxious that we might set the relocation in motion if we did move forward with this, now I wonder if we are missing a great opportunity by not following the inspiration to finally get ourselves in motion and out of the now year-long period of uncertainty and non-committment. By buying the rental property first, a whole range of issues are addressed, and I suspect places as well suited are not that easy to find.

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Pat left this afternoon for a visit to Fort Collins and Loveland, Colorado, to see what he thinks of the areas as our next place to live. After a short visit to my sister's ranch in Wyoming Monday, he will return to Alameda on Tuesday.

We had been thinking only of Fort Collins in Colorado, but last night I had a look at Loveland, only about 15 miles south, and saw some interesting homes - including one that was heart-breakingly ideal in its offering about everything we are looking for. I say heart-breaking because -sigh- it closed escrow yesterday for its new owner. As I had not been monitoring the daily new Loveland listings as I have in Fort Collins I never saw it when it was still available. We only really like about one in several hundred places that come on the market, so when a special place comes along it quickens my pulse. This place was a 1936 farm house style in the old historic downtown that had been totally renovated and expanded with great style, and had expansive outdoor space with a lot of nice gardening potential.



It's always hard for me not to see things like this as last-best opportunities slipping through my fingers, leaving me with less hope for eventual resolution of our temporary state of affairs. Of course, the fact that EVERYTHING is temporary needs to be considered.

We decided that Loveland was worth considering not only to expand on the pool of homes available outside Fort Collins, but because it would put us within reasonable commute distance of the high-tech corridor North of Denver, from Longmont to Broomfield to Boulder. If I do try to continue my network engineering career a few more years, this will offer more opportunity than what Fort Collins can offer.

Before Pat left we agreed that when we do finally go for a house, it will have to be a special place - like the latest 'one that got away'. If nothing else, it served as a reminder that we don't want to settle for a place that we'll feel out of place in or that seems like a cruel compromise after all we've been through over the past twelve months.

Yesterday I mentioned a book I recently finished - The Zen of Oz. I'll mention one more of the issues it raised that ties into the overall theme of this blog - what one does with one's life. What is worth devoting time and energy to.

When I used to visit pubs and try to strike up conversations with new acquaintances, I would often ask"So what do you do?". More often than not, the response would be sort of an apologetic, "..oh, I'm a [worker of some kind}" or "..well, I work in a [workplace], followed almost immediately by "..and I hate it." Or if I asked how they liked their work, they would shrug as if to say, well, you have to do something.

I would ask what they would like to be doing, and most would gaze blankly at me. "Isn't there something you would love to be doing?", I would ask. "Even if it sounds unrealistic or unatainable...?" Even this would not always elicit an idea.

The Oz book approaches this subject in a way I have observed in several other places as well in recent months...in analyzing the aspirations of the cowardly lion, the author Joey Green says:

"Like the Wicked Witch of the West and the Wizard, the lion yearns for power merely to validate himself, not to express a unique talent for leadership or to serve his fellow creatures. To truly be king of the forest, you must cast away your need for power and control. You must get in touch with your spiritual essence. You must discover your higher self, your innate grandeur, your purpose in life. The inner spark deep within your soul has taken a body for a cosmic purpose, and you must discover what that purpose is. You must ask yourself what your unique talents are. Once you have discovered the talents that make you special - the things you love to do, your passion - ask yourself, "How can I use my unique talents to help others?" When you seek your higher self, when you discover your passion, and when you strive to put your unique talents to work for the benefit of humanity, courage miraculously flows with effortless ease and you commune with the genious of universal intelligence."

A bit dramatic, but it is essentially the choice that now confronts me, in addition to the 'where to live' questions. Having been through three careers now - photography, aviation, and information technology - it may be time to find at least one more place to combine earning an income with doing something more useful in a broader sense. The first two careers were more rewarding in the way they contributed to the betterment of others - I worked for non-profit groups enhancing their visual image and created art as a photographer, and as an aviator I helped others acheive their aspirations to become pilots themselves. As an IT worker, it seemed more about greed - mine and my employers' - but at least it was pleasant for the most part despite a lot of organizational buffoonery.



I still am an IT guy, this being my only recent resume material and current skill set, but the novelty has worn thin and I sense the 'seven year itch' that has always preceded career changes.

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So what should come next? I feel a bit like those hapless worker drones who stare blankly at one who asks, "..so what do really want to do?

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I recently finished an interesting book called The Zen of Oz, which draws all sorts of Buddhist lessons out of the experiences of Dorothy and the other characters of the classic story. At first, this seemed like a gimmicky conceit - but as I finally really became engaged with the book (thanks Arlene!), I began to see how well the story conformed to the universal concepts of Eastern spiritual thought.



In addition to some obvious things like the yellow brick road standing in for the spiritual path, I found some things that seemed very personally relevant - this is the kind of book that would offer the same kind of personal insight to most anyone who might pick it up.

Anyone who has followed events described in this blog knows about the uncertainty surrounding the most basic of circumstances for us - what house/city/state/country we might end up in, what we will be doing there, etc. When Dorothy encounters the scarecrow, it is at the point where she encounters a fork in the road. As Dorothy tries to decide which direction is best, the scarecrow offers ambiguous suggestions and they get acquainted.

The author points out the irrelevance of the choice, as long as they remain on the path - both directions are paved with yellow bricks. As he points out, "The decisions life throws in your path aren't always as important as they may seem."...(should we move to this town/state/country or that?) "The decisions themselves are immaterial. What matters is that you make the choice, that you have the courage to move forward. If you are paralyzed by indecision, you become stagnat, dull, lifeless - just like the scarecrow stuck on his pole."..."Only by moving forward, only by braving the unknown, experiencing uncertainty, and opening yourself up to the iinfinite possibilities do you realize your dreams, find your heart's desire, and discover freedom and fulfillment."

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So as for our choices, currently Fort Collins is once again in the lead. I really find it troubling that we can't own a house here in the Bay Area, and this makes it seem very temporary. I feel distressed every time I see a realtor's sign in front of a place or pass by a realty office. With homes running a third of the price in Fort Collins, and Mona and Clark (and the ranch) just an hour and a half North of there, it's hard not to keep coming back to that as a good choice. I have also been finding more to like about the open space and recreational activities there.

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Oh, I'm not working again. Finished up about three weeks working without a contract, and now just attending to things around the house - going to the gym, etc. Not a bad thing for now.

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A week has passed with no post - but the time has not been entirely uneventful.

Before I attempt to catch up on things, I was stuck by a quote from George Washington I ran across tonight. It is especially worth repeating as congressional conservatives take ever more bold and aggressive steps to impose their ideology on public policy and lawmaking - lawmaking that seems intent on diminishing the rights of some people...



"The Citizens of the United States of America have a right to applaud themselves for giving to Mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy: a policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and immunities of citizenship. It is now no more that toleration is spoken of, as if it was by the indulgence of one class of people that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent natural rights. For happily the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection, should demean themselves as good citizens...while every one shall sit under his own vine and fig tree, and there shall be none to make him afraid."

If only.

Well, my first concern is getting my own vine and fig tree to sit under. Hopefully those who want their bigotry sanctioned and government assistance with their persecution will fail and leave me there in peace.

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I subscribe to a daily Buddhist wisdom mailing list. Today's offering arrives as I have found myself immersed once again in recollection about the old Camden house and all its delights. This seems to happen when I begin to despair that we are not moving closer to whatever is ultimately going to replace it.

Sometimes it seems that we are stuck in the temporary state. When it seems we are unable to move toward anything better, I find myself looking back at what we had before. Today's quote reminds me of the futility of hanging on to those images of past contentment.

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All the delightful things of the world--sweet sounds, lovely forms, all the pleasant tastes and touches and thoughts--these are all agreed to bring happiness if they are not grasped and possessed.

But if you regard them merely as pleasures for your own use and satisfaction and do not see them as passing wonders, they will bring suffering.

-Sutta Nipata

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I have created a garden behind the big white rental house here in the old Alameda naval air station. It has been a struggle at times - the snails ate everything to the ground for weeks as I tried to get started. I went through three cycles of planting sunflowers, finally succeeding by starting them in peat pots up on the deck where I could pamper and protect them until they were well established. Now, as several of them grows to six and eight feet tall, the wind occasionally buckles one of them, and I find them tragically laying with the rigid stem snapped off. A few flower heads have disappeared as they leaned over the fence.

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It seems there is often a great struggle to get things to grow. Things to buy, loosening up the lousy soil, fighting off snails and hoping the bugs will leave something behind as they are spared any sprays or powder. Catching up on the watering before going off to work on a hot day....

Then, a while ago, I was sweeping the front porch, and I noticed a plant that looked like a pansy growing out of a crack in the crumbling old tile that glazes the steps. Maybe from an old plant gone to seed in one of my planters out there, it had germinated, taken root, and thrives there with no effort or worry by me.

I suppose there is a lesson in this somewhere.

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