We've spent the past few days enjoying some looking around without the pressure of having to accomplish anything. Today, we drove up to Estes Park - gateway to Rocky Mountain National Park, and about 35 miles past Boulder. A pretty drive, with fresh snow in the shade from last night. Estes is a typical resort tourist town, with too many shirt and gift shops, but there is certainly something genuine about seeing big elk grazing in the local park by the boat launch ramp and restrooms. Pat had to leave the sidewalk to avoid a confrontation with one.


L-Dog makes a new friend (she sniffed his bronze butt).

We are feeling like our relocation back to the Bay Area will only be for a year or less, hopefully with our ability to work remotely at the Alameda job from Denver or Wheatland. Denver makes the most sense if either of us needs to travel a lot, because the DEN airport is so accessible. Wheatland is two and a half hours away.

Pat may delay his departure until Friday morning - this will give us one more day to scout neighborhoods for future house-hunting. If we do return, we'll probably RENT immediately, so we have a genuine place to move into WITH our stuff, then have a leisurely house-hunt over the following few months. Trying to buy under time pressure sucks.

I'll be leaving sometime over the weekend for my trip to Wyoming, where I'll hang out until three days before the house in Alameda becomes available - a little over a week. I know I am really going to miss the ranch (and Mona and Clark) - this as much as anything makes us both realize that we don't want to be away indefinately.


Mona's kitchen table at the ranch. There are a hundred little things like this that make me love being there.





Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

Well, at least as a souvenir of my time here in Denver I get to take home a shiny (nearly) new car. When I was faced with starting a new job here and Pat was interviewing, it became clear that we needed a second vehicle. The venerable Escort was sold off in California to a lucky new owner before the trip out here.

I had planned on buying a four-wheel drive truck in anticipation of a harsh winter, but people here recommended a front-wheel drive car as adequate (uh, like the paid-for and pampered Escort). After looking at a lot of horrid junk with high miles and dubious condition I found a lovely '02 Saturn SL2 with only 6,050 miles in perfect condition and a year left on the factory bumper-bumper warranty. I commuted in the nasty cross-city traffic for exactly four days before I resigned - having discovered that all my expectations about the position at Virtela were misplaced and that it was unlikely that I would ever be content there. At the same time I was realizing this, Pat was back in California receiving an irresistable offer, with a high probability that one would also be forthcoming for me.

So Pat heads back on Thursday the 13th, and I will shortly after clear out of this temporary Denver rental and head up to the ranch in Wyoming until the 25th - when I too will head West again for the three-day drive with the M-dog.

Me and the M-dog at the ranch.


I plan to stay overnight with my Sister Becky in Reno on the way home, and maybe have a brief visit with my Dad and his wife as well.

We're still sort of in shock over the way things turned out (or didn't turn out) here. With the beautiful fall weather and the trees showing East-coast quality reds and yellows of turning leaves, it's especially poignant to prepare for leaving the wonderful neighborhoods full of affordable homes for the over-priced, decaying zoo of the Bay Area again. Obviously we do NOT expect to find immediate serenity or a sense of homecoming. We plan to make it a relatively short stay on return, if only we can figure out what comes after. We hope to make ourselves valuable to our employer in a way that will encourage them to have us working remotely from...Wyoming?...Denver?...Mexico?...suggestions?

A rainbow over Washington Park in Denver during the early part of our stay here.


At the time we thought it was an auspicious sign. Maybe it was.

Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

All the books I've been reading and all the discussions I've had with people about events of the past three months point to some positive things.

• No one who is successful in any way became so without some often serious setbacks. One MUST fail in order to succeed.
  
• On the journey to acheiving goals, it is important how you are transformed along the way - what you become by experiencing positive change is as important as reaching the goal.
• Pain is unavoidable - suffering is optional. A positive oulook needs to be resumed as soon as possible after a painful experience. Thoughts beget words, words beget actions, actions beget results - positive or negative. The power of positive thinking is not to be discounted or underestimated.

Pat and I initially had a lot of sense of dread - that we were really fucking things up and jeopardizing our objectives in life. Now we look back on the last three months as rich opportunities for growth that will help us shape the ultimate outcome in a way that is more likely to ultimately give us what we want.

I know I now have a more healthy outlook on everyday events, opportunities, and disappointments.


Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

We must be willing to get rid of
the life we've planned, so as to have
the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed
before the new one can come

~ Joseph Campbell

This was a quote my sister Mona sent me back on August 9th - back when things really started to fall apart for me due to expectations I had. If I had really let it sink in I might have been spared a lot of grief. As the Buddhists say, pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional. A variation of the above is also heard now and then - Life is what happens while you're making other plans.

So it appears that the life that actually awaits us includes another brief stint in the Bay Area. Today we confirmed that we have a lease on a house in the old Alameda Naval Air Station. In the picture below the house would be in the green area just above and to the left of the dark warehouse buildings.



We're still at the ranch in Wyoming - it's about the time of day when we go out on the deck in back to watch the sunset. I'll grab a photo to insert if its any good tonight. They are regularly spectacular, and are only one of the things we will miss so much when we can't just run up here in two and a half hours any more.

Here's the sunset from tonight...


Early this morning we say three coyotes hanging out behind the pond on the dam. Then later, there was a huge old owl roosting in a dead branch of a Spanish olive tree nearby. Yesterday and the day before flocks of Canadian geese were cruising in the pond or arriving or departing. They make a wonderful racket when they all start honking and take off to form the characteristic V formation overhead as they leave the area. There are also a bunch of blue jays around the house now. There is always something going on nearby with wildlife. Recently there were a pair of sand cranes and their adolescent offspring walking stiffly around the perimeter of the pond. They make a lovely sound when they call to each other. Mona thinks they "throw their voices" to confuse the coyotes as to their real location.

Pat and I had wireless Internet installed here for Clark and Mona. It runs off a little dish mounted on a mast attached to the side of the house. With that and the Dish TV antenna out from there is an odd old/new look to the old log house.



Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

Pat and I with the big stack of house flyers and MLS printouts.



Tonight Pat and I gathered up all the flyers and MLS printouts that we used to search for a house and - threw them out. There will be no home purchase - here or in California. Mexico maybe. In a year or two.

We have found a house to lease in Alameda, at the old Naval Air Station. It was formerly a flag officer's home - maybe an Admiral. There are five bedrooms, including the maids quarters. Pat found it during a quick trip to town to firm up his job offer.

The area has grand old homes really spread out. Eventually, they will all be torn down for high-density development. For now, at market-rate rent you seem to get a lot for the money. Space - trees - city views - right on the estuary. As long a terrorist doesn't slip a nuke into a port container we should be fine there.

Tomorrow morning we head back to Wyoming for perhaps the last visit for some time. I guess with the approach of harsh southern Wyoming weather it might not seem so inviting in the coming months, but last time we were there Clark fired up the big iron wood stove and it was pretty cozy. Mona even had a pot of ham and beens simmering on it, which produced a pretty wonderful smell throughout the house.

Mona and Clark at the ranch.



It's interesting that I can now start blogging again, and that I have a more serene state of mind. I guess the struggle to follow the Buddhist practice is finally starting to bear fruit. Certainly, I have learned to stop struggling so much with things that are uncontrollable, and just peacefully abide. I also have learned that until certain lessons are learned, the troubles just keep piling on, and those things that are most intractible or undesirable just keep coming until they are no longer resisted.






Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

At the ranch in Wyoming Tuesday the 28th of September


Following another wonderful weekend in Wyoming, we returned to face the inevitable changes that are wrapping up our time in Denver. Pat flew off to firm up his work plans in California and look for a house to lease. I returned to my new job knowing that there was not much point in continuing there.

So yesterday I resigned from Virtela Communications after four days of work. Some readers who know me from work may recall that this was the place I targeted for the next phase of my career here in Denver after relocating. After the six weeks of fruitless house-hunting, we finally decided to seek work. I went to Virtela and interviewed, received an offer, and went to work. I thought working in the Network Operations Center would be satisfying work - but the repetitive regimented call center activity was very deadening to me, and there was a tremendous amount of undocumented intricate detail in how things were done that would have led to months of unproductive struggle to achieve competency.

I thought after the years of frustration with the situation at the last job this would be a welcome change, but it looks like I'll have to move on to the next opportunity to seek any satisfaction. This next time will likely be in California, as Pat appears to have an offer and we are probably leasing a house there. Goodby Denver - wish I could say it was fun being here.

When I told the hiring manager at Virtela I felt I was going to need to resign, he went on at some length about how likely it was that I would not find work elsewhere. He pointed out how older IT workers like me could go years without finding any opportunity - how even younger IT guys with multiple Masters degrees were not finding work for months and years. It was pretty dreary stuff to have to listen to. But I have to act on optimism and not stay stuck in a bad situation doing something I despise out of fear that I can't achieve anything better. Guess we'll find out what my opportunities are soon enough. Worst case - I'll become a house-husband and get my Cisco CCNA certification followed by some new job searching. Pat's salary will make this possible.

So it will be almost exactly three months after departing California that we return. A quarter of a year.


Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

I know it's been a long time since I posted anything, but I really haven't had the spirit to be clever or expressive. At this point however, I feel like anything I can put in here regularly will be of some use to someone - maybe to me.

We're in Denver, and have been for over six weeks. It seems a lot longer. We looked at houses for maybe four weeks, but didn't buy anything. Nothing felt right. I'm not even sure it was the houses as much as the overall sense that - nothing felt right.

I faxed my signed offer letter back to Virtela Communications today. That's where I (said I) wanted to work here in Denver. I pictured us comfortably moved into a nice house that would be an improvement over the old one, having bought it a price much lower than we received for the old one. I pictured myself going off to a new job confident and secure in our new comfortable surroundings.

But we're in a month-month rental where the owners have many belongings but are never here. We have a sort of minimal presence, with the run of the place, but are not really settled in. Our belongings are in storage, and I have resisted having them come here to be dealt with in our non-house. Stuff doesn't work well around the house, and things are not as I would have them in my own home.

After the weeks of fruitless house hunting we decided it was probably best not to take any further action until we tackled the work situation. We listed with DICE and I interviewed at Virtela.

I was so demoralized over the ongoing lack of security and loss of sense of being where we belong, that I began to doubt my ability to settle down and concentrate at a job. I still have that doubt. Remember - when all this started, it was (partly) because we really just had no further interest in the mostly pointless struggles of the IT world, and just really wanted to drop out in Mexico. Pat began almost immediately to be concerned that his skills were outdated, and that he would (once again) not find satisfying or enjoyable work - if any.

When Mexico fizzled, it was partly because it seemed like too great a risk - that it would be too much of stretch to make that shift to early retirement. If we had only known how much risk there was in trying to re-create our former lives working and living in Denver. It isn't happening. It may never happen. It can be very painful at times, and I suffer greatly despite my efforts to be philosophical - and wise from my Buddhist learning. One of the Buddhist concepts is that we suffer because we cling to our mental constructs about how things might be but actually aren't, and too our memories of how things were - and because we reject the things that don't please us that exist despite our wishes.

Still, we are here for a reason. It just doesn't feel like the reason we started out with. More and more it feels like this was necessary for us to understand that Mexico may be the better path after all. I feel alienated from the Denver scene socially, politically, commercially - watching the local news is uninteresting at best and depressing at worst. Same for the newspapers. My reaction to the national scene isn't much better. If it wasn't for National Public Radio I don't know what I would do for mental stimulation and awareness of events.

There has been the time spent at the ranch in Wymoning with my sister and Clark, her husband. That has been the one solace and joy in all this. It is the one thing I would miss if we bailed on this whole mess and tried once again to head south for the border and simpler more happy and wholesome life.

In the days to come, I'll try to provide some context for all this and perhaps fill in some detail about how we arrived at where we are today. I'll also at least provide some detail about how things unfold going forward. And I'll share some our frequent discussions about what all this means - why it is happening, and what we might do with and about it all. I'll also share some photos I have acumulated along the way.

Patrick resumed his blogging with an entry last night. You can see that and get his sense of things at http://move2mexico2004.blogspot.com - I hope if he does decide to rename his blog it won't leave out the Mexico part - maybe just change the year from 2004 to 2005. That was our original objective after all - maybe we just got a little ahead of ourselves.


A rare happy day - at the ranch in Wheatland.

Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf