I know it's been a long time since I posted anything, but I really haven't had the spirit to be clever or expressive. At this point however, I feel like anything I can put in here regularly will be of some use to someone - maybe to me.

We're in Denver, and have been for over six weeks. It seems a lot longer. We looked at houses for maybe four weeks, but didn't buy anything. Nothing felt right. I'm not even sure it was the houses as much as the overall sense that - nothing felt right.

I faxed my signed offer letter back to Virtela Communications today. That's where I (said I) wanted to work here in Denver. I pictured us comfortably moved into a nice house that would be an improvement over the old one, having bought it a price much lower than we received for the old one. I pictured myself going off to a new job confident and secure in our new comfortable surroundings.

But we're in a month-month rental where the owners have many belongings but are never here. We have a sort of minimal presence, with the run of the place, but are not really settled in. Our belongings are in storage, and I have resisted having them come here to be dealt with in our non-house. Stuff doesn't work well around the house, and things are not as I would have them in my own home.

After the weeks of fruitless house hunting we decided it was probably best not to take any further action until we tackled the work situation. We listed with DICE and I interviewed at Virtela.

I was so demoralized over the ongoing lack of security and loss of sense of being where we belong, that I began to doubt my ability to settle down and concentrate at a job. I still have that doubt. Remember - when all this started, it was (partly) because we really just had no further interest in the mostly pointless struggles of the IT world, and just really wanted to drop out in Mexico. Pat began almost immediately to be concerned that his skills were outdated, and that he would (once again) not find satisfying or enjoyable work - if any.

When Mexico fizzled, it was partly because it seemed like too great a risk - that it would be too much of stretch to make that shift to early retirement. If we had only known how much risk there was in trying to re-create our former lives working and living in Denver. It isn't happening. It may never happen. It can be very painful at times, and I suffer greatly despite my efforts to be philosophical - and wise from my Buddhist learning. One of the Buddhist concepts is that we suffer because we cling to our mental constructs about how things might be but actually aren't, and too our memories of how things were - and because we reject the things that don't please us that exist despite our wishes.

Still, we are here for a reason. It just doesn't feel like the reason we started out with. More and more it feels like this was necessary for us to understand that Mexico may be the better path after all. I feel alienated from the Denver scene socially, politically, commercially - watching the local news is uninteresting at best and depressing at worst. Same for the newspapers. My reaction to the national scene isn't much better. If it wasn't for National Public Radio I don't know what I would do for mental stimulation and awareness of events.

There has been the time spent at the ranch in Wymoning with my sister and Clark, her husband. That has been the one solace and joy in all this. It is the one thing I would miss if we bailed on this whole mess and tried once again to head south for the border and simpler more happy and wholesome life.

In the days to come, I'll try to provide some context for all this and perhaps fill in some detail about how we arrived at where we are today. I'll also at least provide some detail about how things unfold going forward. And I'll share some our frequent discussions about what all this means - why it is happening, and what we might do with and about it all. I'll also share some photos I have acumulated along the way.

Patrick resumed his blogging with an entry last night. You can see that and get his sense of things at http://move2mexico2004.blogspot.com - I hope if he does decide to rename his blog it won't leave out the Mexico part - maybe just change the year from 2004 to 2005. That was our original objective after all - maybe we just got a little ahead of ourselves.


A rare happy day - at the ranch in Wheatland.

Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf