Today I worked at the county food bank. Everyone seemed to agree that this might be a good diversion from recent misery over being stuck in the rental place and passing over a great house that would have set us up in a good neighborhood and out of our short term lease before the annual renewal became unavoidable.
The day was difficult in odd and unexpected ways. I have been reading a book about what a hellish place the world has become as a result of the agreements people accept between each other, and there were plenty of examples of the results of that realm to work with today. Perhaps most disturbing, some had no characteristics that distinguished them from me. Thank God there are decent places like the food bank where at least people can stave off hunger while they sort out or endure their hardships.
That episode of passing on the great house, then realizing too late that it would have made such sense to buy for a number of reasons has been the cause of profound sadness for me. While I know better (we are responsible), I feel betrayed by our experience to date here in Fort Collins in a way. In four months we have seen a lot of hideous monstrosities (and we only go look at the GOOD listings) with horrific defects, and when we finaly saw one place that might have delivered us from being tenants in a marginal rental we didn't recognize it. It has been the
only house we have seen in four months that would really work for us. Yet I resisted the taking on of a long list of improvement projects that would have occupied me for months. Now I have the same months with - nothing - to constructively occupy my time. Well, there is the painting and writing...but without a gracious place to live the motivation is lacking. I could look harder for a way to resume my derelict career, but I find that hard to do without a place to call home.
Or maybe I was looking for the home improvement projects to provide an excuse NOT to work on the art and writing. They are difficult challenges to confront.
Having blamed all these external circumstances for my lack of contentment, I now have to acknowledge some thoughts from a book I have been reading recently -"Wherever You Go, There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn...
"Have you ever noticed that there is no running away from anything?...The romantic notion that if it's no good over here, you have only to go over there and things will be different. If this job is no good, change jobs...if this town is no good, change towns...the underlying thinking is that the reason for your troubles is outside of you - in the location, in others, in the circumstances. Change the location, change the circumstances, and everything will fall into place; you can start over, have a new beginning."
"The trouble with this way of seeing is that it conveniently ignores the fact that you carry your head and heart, and what some would call your "karma', around with you. You cannot escape yourself, try as you might..."It is a great chapter in a fine book.
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