I guess by now it must be clear that our interest in the nice little house in Fort Collins didn't result in a trip out there last week. The realtor we work with there had a look for us, and his report back lacked some enthusiasm - lots of updating to do, like a new roof for a start. I guess there was a reason that it sat on the market for over a month and the similar place across the street that was offered later at a higher price sold first.

So it was back to just being here and waiting for something to happen. Wondering if the whole idea of going to Fort Collins is flawed in some way(s), or whether we should just finally commit to something and get on with it. Of course, doing nothing and remaining here in the rental is a decision and commitment of some sort. But as long as we may pull out and move on in a few months it makes it really hard for me to look seriously at long-term employment in the Bay Area.

I wonder sometimes if my strong desire to own a house is in itself a problem. One thing's for sure - if we do want to live in a house that we own, it doesn't make sense to try that here. The new rental neighbors across the street just sold their house in San Jose and are looking for an Alameda house. They report that the minimally adequate places in the $700,000 - $850,000 range all need a lot of work, and are still routinely being bid up $50-100,000 over the listing price. They bid $50,000 over on one and were not even among the top three or four offers. Yuck. Not a fun way to look for a house. And Pat and I looked at the McMansions going up a few blocks away, which were all in the million-dollar plus range, with $3,500/month mortgage and tax payments forever - with a $400,000 down payment!



The buying frenzy here has sucked up all the inventory in addition to driving prices to absurd (and probably unsustainable) levels. Fort collins has a little over 50% greater population than Alameda, but maybe twenty times the number of available comparable middle-class homes, and at prices a third to a half of the Bay Area market.

So we continue to look at the Fort Collins homes in the mid-two hundreds, where it seems we find the most pleasing features regardless of price. The big hangup really seems to be the job-roulette. Will we find work that is satisfying and provides the all-important health insurance benefit? Can Pat keep his job here for long enough to get us ramped up there - or maybe long-term?

Meanwhile, I have been called back to work for a few weeks at the place I was a contractor for six months recently. I was really getting used to the time off, and look forward to having it again. As luck would have it, I came down with a nasty cold right when I had to begin this Tuesday. Doesn't make for any more pleasant associations going in there every day...

Yesterday Mona and I were chatting on the phone, and she told me about a recent experience while meditating that was - illuminating. What she was describing was something we have both encountered in Buddhist discussions, and the more I consider the concept the more valuable an insight opportunity it becomes.



Illuminating is a good choice of words, because the whole experience centers around a kind of inner light that represents the innate consciousness we all posess. In the Buddhist way of thinking, we spend (one might say waste) an awful lot of time distorting everything we experience - filtering stuff through our past memories and conditioning. This prevents us from really being present and dealing honestly with what we encounter, and causes us to construct all sorts of elaborate (and often unproductive and inappropriate) reactions and stories around otherwise innocuous happenings.

Here is the model Mona described - as embellished by me.

Our basic awareness is like a warm omnidirectional penetrating light. It has the capability of illuminating everything, revealing whatever we encounter in undistorted clarity. Ah, but we have elected to focus that light instead, and direct it tightly through a strip of motion picture film - projecting it onto a screen. The film contains images derived from our current experiences with input from our senses, but etched right on top, frame by frame, are fabricated images derived from our past experiences - and our hopes and fears (which are themselves objects of our past experiences). All these images are blended on the same strip of film, like some output from an Industrial Light and Magic post-production shop.



The lens that throws the image from the film onto the screen further distorts the picture in various subtle ways, altering its shape in response to emotions spawned by our thoughts. The resulting image that flickers on a the screen is what we take to be reality from moment to moment.



Which part of our narrow little film-watching experience is representative of our genuine current experience, and which part is a mutation of some old stock footage we have churned up from our vast collection of recycled nice/bad/hopeful/scary/love/hate and other snippets? Being able to make this distinction is one of the greatest aspirations of followers of Buddhism, and the reason so much effort is made to develop mindfulness. One could say that mindfulness just describes a way of seeing and experiencing honestly.

One way of looking at the process of meditation (there are a lot), in the Buddhist tradition, is that we just sit quietly and see if we can be free for a while from the mirror and lenses and film and screen, and just experience being present with that warm pervasive light. As thoughts arise - hopes or fears, good or bad, happy or sad - we just let let them pass without judgement. Without the projector whirring away, the raw light that is our essential awareness just dispells these artifcts before they can form real images or create a big theatrical production.

It's nice to have a break like this occasionally. Maybe in the rest of our ordinary life, away from the opportunity to sit quietly in meditation, we can take a little of this clarity with us.

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A week has passed since the last entry here. In a way, nothing much has happened. In a way, a lot has happened.

On Monday we were looking at on-line listings of homes in Fort Collins again. The same day, we received an email from the realtor we have been working with there. Having spent a couple of weeks mulling over my Merida visit, I found myself growing less certain, not more, about the practicality of liquidating everything and committing ourselves to that track. Note that today, while it is a balmy 97 degrees there, the typical 50% plus humidity makes it 'feel like' 111 degress.



Over the weekend, we explored a new housing development near our Alameda rental to have a look at what new homes looked like. They were nice - big places on tiny lots only slightly larger than the house footprint, and really close together. Full of nice upgrades as the models were, they were selling for between a million and 1.2 million dollars. We did the math, and even with a huge down payment, and considering the tax benefits deductability of the big property tax bill and the mortgage interest, the outflow to live in one of those places was over $3,500 a month - for the next thirty years. If we bought one and decided to bail in three years, we agree that because of the housing bubble and shaky economy, there would be a high risk that we would have nothing to show for our monthy outflow (not to mention the big chunk of retirement savings parked in the down payment), and might even lose money in a sale. Some people are still speculating on continued double-digit appreciation, but my bet is on a leveling off at best and a more likely gradual and years-long decline.

Living in a paid-for Fort Collins home would probably cost about $200 a month for for insurance and property tax.

So then we really started plowing through the inventory of Fort Collins homes - probably looking at brief descriptions and photos of over five hundred of them over the past few days. Of all of those, we spotted maybe a half-dozen we could seriously see ourselves being feeling comfortable with. One especially caught my eye yesterday, but it proved to be under contract already.

Then, last night I ran aross a house that Pat had spotted earlier, which we both sort of liked but hadn't really examined closely. The more I looked at it the more I felt like it had many attributes that would finally make us feel at home again.







We expected to find a place that suited us to be in the mid-300's price range, but in fact the places and neighborhoods that appealed to us the most were in the mid-to-high 200's. That would allow for some upgrades and furnishings, and also correcting any number of flaws.

The place above is listed for $259,000.

Mona has sensed that we really aren't ready to commit to Mexico yet, and votes for Fort Collins for now. Other sister Becky wants us to blaze the trail for her to come and buy horse property - she has been priced out in Reno by the California-like real estate hysteria and speculation. We would love to be with in few hours drive of the ranch for weekend or holiday visits.

I'm ready to go work at a grocery store and just earn enough to cover household expenses and be under a good health care plan.

So now you are up to date as to the current direction. Stay tuned for the next development...

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Yesterday my friend Arlene and I went to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco to see an exhibit of Tibetan treasures. In a large public area, there were some Buddhist monks creating a large elaborate mandala - of colored sand.

Mandalas are ritual illustrations of various symbols and concepts of Buddhism, and are created as objects of meditation, or healing. The sand mandala is painstakingly created over a period of a number of days - say a week or two - then is ritually deconstructed by sweeping it into a pile and transporting the remnants to a body of water where the merit of its creation will be dispersed to the far reaches of the world to benefit all.



I thought - all my seeking of perfection in this life, in my home and garden and careers, in creating everything that reflects the passing of my time here with such precision and care - all of this too will be ultimately swept away figuratively or literally.

I think if the lesson of the monks and the sand mandela is the impermanence of all things, I got it.

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If you suffer, it is not because things are impermanent. It is because you believe things are permanent.

Thich Nhat Hanh

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It all started out with such lofty ideals. And those ideals have continued to be expressed in various ways through the past couple of hundred years.

But the Fourth has turned into such a self-congratulatory indulgence, full of noise and simulated violence that seems all too innapropriate give the real explosive mayhem being inflicted by so many factions against each other in various places where we are in pursuit of one objective or another. Around where I live, actual gunfire with live ammunition is considered good form by many.

Today, in no less conservative a place than Barron's financial weekly publication, I saw a discussion about how government must derive its power from the consent of those governed - and how this is central to the Declaration of Independence.

Could anything be more relevant on this national holiday than that document? The words speak for themselves, yet I am guessing that about half the country will perceive one thing and the other half something different. Without any further commentary of my own, I offer you the exact words of the founding fathers...

WE hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness -- That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government laying its Foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security

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In the entry posted following this, about depression from a Buddhist point of view, it is observed that self-cherishing is an affliction that causes tremendous suffering. With self-cherishing having become a dominant theme of present-day Fourth celebration, I wonder if there aren't some parallels.

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DEPRESSION
By ven. Thubten Gyatso

Depression is a state of extreme unhappiness, described by sufferers in a recent BBC radio program as a black, dismal, dungeon of despair; as a stifling hot room with no means of escape; as a heavy overcoat of pain with the buttons soldered together; and as like walking through treacle. It is characterised by a sense of loss of control over one's life, a loss of enthusiasm, and the inability to enjoy pleasure. One may know what to do, but cannot summon the energy to do it.

Depression may be precipitated by bereavement, illness, unemployment, and perhaps sometimes a neurological abnormality. According to Buddhism, however, the overriding cause of depression is self-cherishing - seeing one's own physical and mental pleasure as more important than anybody else's. Self-cherishing is irritability when our spouse asks us to do something that interrupts our own enjoyment, such as watching television, playing sport, or talking with our friends. It is the desire to get the best food for oneself, the best seat in the cinema, the best result in an examination, and the most praise from someone of influence. How can a small thing such as selfishness, which we all have, be the cause of such a major illness as depression? There are two main reasons. The first is that unhappiness arising from selfishness is cumulative. When we do not obtain what we want, or are stopped from doing what we want, we often over-react to a ridiculous extent. Examine your own experience - how many domestic arguments have exploded out of incredibly petty causes? Even though we chastise ourselves for our stupid behaviour, we repeat the same thing again and again. At home, at work, at the club, wherever we go to relax, our selfish behaviour isolates us from others. The accumulation of small failures in life erodes our self-confidence, we are unable to be happy, and we spiral into depression.

The second reason why selfishness causes depression is because it prevents us from doing the one thing that is guaranteed to bring happiness - cherishing others. Self-obsession smothers consideration for the needs of others and we stop giving love. The constant whirl of self-centred thoughts in our heads, "I am so sad, I need to be happy," blinds us to the needs of our family and friends, and we do nothing to help them. Our self-confidence takes a further battering because we no longer receive the feedback of love from them, or the pure satisfaction and joy of making them happy. The joy of making others happy is pure because we do not crave it again and again, unlike the joy of self-indulgence which is impure because it never brings satisfaction. Cut off from the world, we sink into unhappiness, self-doubt, and the thought that we are going insane. This is depression.

Buddha's diagnosis of the cause of depression is not petty or discriminative. We all have self-cherishing, and if we allow it to take over our lives and block our love and compassion for others, we will be in danger of following that awful path into depression. Depression does not cause misery, depression is misery, at its worst. In the human realm anyway. Depressives may not believe this, but it can get far worse in other realms of rebirth.

To indicate our own part in the development of depression is not to point the finger of blame and cause guilt. If we can see that the cause is in our own mind, we will understand that the cure is also in our own mind.

Seeing the shattered self-confidence of depressed people, many new-age creeds attempt to cure the problem with the philosophy of "love yourself first." But this is the cause, not the cure. The great Indian Bodhisattva, Shantideva, said, "If you want to be happy, you should never seek to please yourself." Instead, we should seek to please others.

If we ask, "But, don't I have to protect myself from suffering?" Shantideva replies, "If you wish to be protected, you should constantly protect all others." Buddha's prescription for happiness is to forget yourself and love others. The more we look after our family and friends, the more they will care for us. It is so simple, so obvious, but we have to do it. Not just our family and friends; our purpose in life should be to protect every living being from suffering. When this attitude is supported by wisdom, we will never know unhappiness.

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