It's time for some big changes in the way I have been relating to the world. My fear and anxiety over so many things have restricted me to a very narrow and confining existence in various ways. It's hard to find joy when there is so much dissatisfaction with the way things are - with so little acceptance of what has come before and dread of what may lie in the path ahead.

I nearly didn't go to Oxnard to see my Mexican friend Manuel. I nearly canceled my trip to Fort Collins and Wyoming to check out the potential for a new place to experience life for a while.

Fear. Doubt. Aversion. Grasping.

Fear of what, and how intensely? Doubt which things? What is to be avoided and judged undesirable? What must be clung to, how tightly and for what reasons? What is to be longed for and how desperately? So many choices, so much energy, and ultimately so pointless and unproductive. Exhausting and painful.

It's not enough to know in your mind that not letting go of these excessive mental activities will forever keep you from finding ease and freedom. That not accepting the inevitability of change will cause suffering without end. The choice to experience the present moment and real situation has to come from a deep and abiding acceptance of things that sound plausible when read or heard, but are easily pushed aside by the continuation of a lifetime of conditioned reaction.

So building on the process that has been underway for almost a year now, with much help and encouragement from Mona - my Sister Sangha - I am rolling ahead with renewed commitment to see and experience things as they actually are, and allow for the perfection in that - and in my inherent goodness. To not know and not control and be OK with that, at least for periods of time. I know it won't always go smoothly, but sheesh - it has to be better than what I have been trying to do up 'til now. That would be trying to control and manipulate reality through sheer force of mind, rather than experiencing reality without fabricating elaborate stories, with judgment and fluid conditioned states of mind distorting every experience.

It was a difficult two weeks making those two journeys away from home - but I was more the bodhisattva - the spiritual warrior - than it felt (or appeared no doubt) at the time. Even when it seemed the lowest, I was learning better to see the way to move forward. Learning with my heart, rather than my mind - which can really only take you so far, and often in the wrong direction.

---

I heard the poem below read today, and was stuck by the universality of the message - how it rang true to the Buddhist teachings in a way that I can't imagine Mr. Longfellow might have known. "Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, is our destined end or way". Indeed.



A Psalm of Life

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream! --
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our heats, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead
Act,- act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead.

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
a forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us then be up and doing,
with a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

---

---

Donald Olander June 18, 1948 - April 18, 2005

---

Our friend Ducky was one of just a few close friends we have anywhere. We only saw him occasionally - but we could be completely at ease with each other, and always found things to laugh about. We would get together for meals out, and to chat about our lives and the cast of characters that populate them.

But we didn't have dinner with Duck two Fridays ago as we had planned. He called the night before to say he was going to finish preparing his tax return Friday for that day's filing dealine. As they say, the only two things you can be sure of in this life...

He called again on Sunday and left a message for us, then again on Monday. Pat tried to return his call, but there was no answer.

That Monday night, probably just after he called and left the last message on our phone, he stopped being the person we knew. The life-force that had organized all his elements into the amiable self that we knew had moved on to wherever such forces go when their time in our presence is over.

We enjoyed his humor and his admired his appreciation for what life had to offer. We will miss him - his appearance and good nature, and his funny vocal mannerisms.

Goodbye Duck.

---

When sister Mona was here a month or so ago, she wanted to get pictures of a house like ours with a big palm next to it, and some calla lillies, which grow here in elegant abundance. Somehow she never got around to this, and asked me to get photos to send her. This post is to make those pictures available for her and anyone else who stops by...



Here are links to an additional palm photo and yet another.

---

A month without a new post - so much for my new writing discipline.

The truth is, there just hasn't been much inspiration in recent weeks. I put a lot of effort into being positive about work and our temporary living arrangements, and try to find a little time to read and manage the finances - maybe see a DVD movie now and then, but not much more.



But Pat stopped in Fort Collins (here is the official city web site) to check the area on his way to the East coast for work, and now we may be on a track similar to the one we had before for a several-year stint in the Front Range prior to cutting loose for part-time or full-time life in Mexico. Funny - we passed the area many times on our way to and from the ranch in Wyoming - but never thought to check it out while we were there.



Now we feel we would be more comfortable in Fort Collins than Denver fifty miles south - smaller city ambiance, college town, some agriculture nearby - and closer to the ranch in Wyoming too. Still convenient to the DEN airport though. Also housing appear to be about 25-35% less expensive than Denver (which is already 50% of the cost of Alameda) for comparable homes. There is also high-tech presence there with some big name employers and decent-size facilities. And of course, network engineers are a generic requirment for all communities, so with patience there should be an opportunity there if we eventually relocate.

---

I just realized that I let Mona finish her visit without really getting any great photos of just her. I wanted to post a very elegant and beautiful photo with this post, but alas - I was not present enough during her visit to take advantage of some of the pleasant moments with some dedicated photo-taking. Sigh...I have the skills to do this well, but was so preoccupied with self-pity and demanding attention from Mona that I didn't create something of lasting value for both of us.

Trust me - she is elegant and beautiful. I'll just insert a photo here to symbolize Mona for now, as I only have snapshot-type photos to offer otherwise.



Here is a big realization I have been pondering this afternoon - the opportunity to know Mona better and have her attention and experience her wisdom, fun and enthusiasm is so much more important than the things Pat and I have left behind. Had we stayed with that life and not ventured forth with such turmoil unfolding, I think my sister would always have been a little-known artifact of a family that was never intimate in any way. I might have eventually crumbled or hardened entirely under the strain of evolving events, instead of seeing opportunities to grow - and maybe find true peace one day.

I have resisted the outcome of those changes so vigorously, and accepting responsibility for them - it has been the cause of much suffering. This would come as no surprise to anyone acquainted with the Buddhist fundamentals. What I want to be mindful of now is that there is something new that wouldn't have existed otherwise, and that is a precious jewel - this connection with my sister, and the beginning of a better connection with my true self. This is the kind of gift that can be received only if the present is accepted and embraced. The alternative is endless and probably increasing struggle.

---

Mona is here visiting me here in Alameda, and her 'baby' Serena in San Francisco. It is a joy to have her nearby, and it will be sad to send her off to Wyoming again early Thursday morning.



Yesterday we went to the ocean at Point Reyes - Pat, me, Mona, Serena, and Cole driving another carload of their friends.

Patrick and I are always reluctant to venture out on a big outing, especially here in the Bay Area - and especially now with the stress of our jobs and our precarious living situation. At least in my case, I feel so insecure and ungrounded that I hesitate to part with the limited comfort I have been able to find here in the Alameda Point rental house. On the way and once we were there, though, it was fun to see how excited Mona was about visiting the ocean - even though the beaches in that area were all sandy - making the rock-picking a marginal exercise.

---

The plans for the future continue to materialize and dissipate around different possible outcomes. It seems for now the best thing to do is not much of anything. My contract employment seems to be rolling toward an offer of a full-time 'permanent' salaried position. If I continue in that role, I will need to assimilate a lot of new technology information - something I have not been keen to do as I contemplated an exit from information technology altogether. Still, it is pleasing to be wanted and recognized for some ability, even if it is not in an area I find tremendous satisfaction in any more. What this means, of course, is that this is a great job for the ego but probably not so good for the genuine inner person.



Today painful memories of the house on Camden Ave. Intruded on my thoughts and weighed on my contentment a lot. A beautiful spring-like day, with fruit trees all in bloom drew out memories of the paradise of cherry, plum, peach, nectarine, apple, orange, and other citrus blossoms that would always perfume and sumptuously decorate the spring days there. For all my griping and resentment about the upkeep, I always fully appreciated the beauty and miracle of such riotous life as the cycles repeated over the seasons and years.

I went to work today to make up some hours taken off to enjoy with Mona, and working in the Sunday-unpopulated windowless fluorescent-lit cubicle warren on such a sunny and warm Spring preview day seemed a metaphor for the trading away of the Camden nature preserve.

I know these cruel mental conditions are manufactured by a wayward mind, but at times I seem powerless to apply all the wonderful teachings I have been exposed to since our life routine disintegrated. Painful events are inevitable in every life, but obsessive thoughts of loss and a fearful future are artifacts of a struggle to enter the real world of detachment and equanimity, and give up purposeless attachments. At times I feel my friend who suggested psychiatric help was right about the failure of my 'self-help' efforts to right my turned-over apple cart of a life, but I really can't imagine what such a thing would accomplish. I already know what is happening, and probably have the answers close at hand. However, applying them is not as simple as understanding them intellectually. I will keep striving to move on, and not be weighed down by what has occurred before or may happen down the road.



Serena and her companion Cole have such bright and promising lives - I think this may be part of what threw me off balance today and since we returned from the outing yesterday. They live in a charming and simple apartment in a lovely neighborhood of San Francisco, surrounded by gracious homes and wholesome shops. She is going to magnificent UC Berkeley, getting a Masters in city planning that will enable her to do meaningful work that betters the lives of whole societies. Cole is an engineer with an architectural firm that seems focused on sane humanistic design and benign coexistence with nature and conservation of resources.

This I have allowed to contrast with our situation, where we are unable to find meaning or fulfillment with our work, and have a hard time conceiving of any alternative other than fleeing the country for a lower cost of living and no work at all. I know there is was and is more to the appeal of Mexico than that, but for today is just seems like a desperate measure, and a risky one at that. As harsh as today's reality seems at times, I sometimes fear that we would find ourselves there, wishing it was only a vacation trip that could end soon, and wishing we had a home like Camden Ave. - or even Alameda Point - to return to.

-Stan

---