"Do not pursue the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. The past no longer is, and the future has not yet come. Look deeply at life, just as it is arising in the very here and now. Recognize it - invincible, unshakable. Care for it with your heart and mind."

The Buddha

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My sister Mona and I have observed certain concepts embedded repeatedly in the piles of books we jointly mine for insight, comfort, and inspiration. So pervasive are these ideas that they have taken on a tone of universal indisputable truth, and as such it seems can be - should be - embraced as guideposts for a life that is at least tolerable, if not always downright joyful and enlightened.

This morning I was watching the many bees that were enjoying my garden of poppies. At the same time I was anxious about some discussion we had here about possible strategies for exploring new areas of Mexico and our work and future residency.

Later I read the lines below in an article about living abroad...

"The past is history. You cannot change it. You can only draw conclusions from it. You do not know the future. You can only influence the present. The present is the only time, in which you can make meaningful decisions. Considering these facts you make wiser decisions if you practice some timeless wisdom. Live one day at a time. Do not worry about anything. Living with this attitude keeps you alive and healthy."

How many variations of this advice have we all encountered? And yet it is among the most difficult for some of us to embrace. Maybe this is why it is at the heart of so many teachings, and advice that we need to keep receiving from wherever we encounter it.

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Remember when this blog used to be about the excitement and mystery of preparing for a new life in Mexico? Well, there has been plenty of mystery allright. Wouldn't you like to know where we are with the prospects for Mexico?

We'd like to know too.

Since I am off-contract at the workplace in Alameda, now it makes sense to use the break to visit Morelia in Michoacan - and see a different side of Mexico than scorching Yucatan. You may recall that the blazing heat played a role in scaring me off last June when I was there attempting to finalize arrangements for our arrival. It's tough coming from one of the most comfortable climates on the planet to one that only a certain type of person can tolerate or thrive in.

Now that I've visited Fort Collins and verified that it is a sweet community, we have been looking at homes there online and even calling the local realtor to check on a few. I was almost tempted to fly out there for one we saw this week, but we agree that until we do a reality check and visit Michoacan, we shouldn't make any long-term commitments here in the U.S.

I really don't look forward to the prospect of searching work in a small job market like Fort Collins, and we have run the numbers again recently with the result that it looks doable to try the Mexican early retirement with only a modest amount of luck.

If the US wasn't the only Western civilization without decent health care coverage guaranteed to all citizens without risk of bankruptcy we could even pull it off here, but since that is not the case we would be forced to remain wage (and benefit) slaves for the next ten years or so.

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I have been trying for a long time to find some positive meaning in the loss I feel for the old life we had in the house in Hayward. Things seemed so much easier then, with work and the routine of caring for the the property. There seemed to be a number of minor annoyances that I can now easily dismiss, but there was also some deeper unease - something the environment probably probably contributed little to.

Today, I ran across some work of Abraham H. Maslow - as a flight instructor I was familiar with a small portion of his work as it relates to learning and the learner. He developed a model for the 'healthy personality' that rings true now as it did when introduced as the "Psychology of Being" in the 1950's.

Here are a few out-of-context but representative elements from the greater text.



"Growth has not only rewards and pleasures but also many intrinsic pains and always will have. Each step forward is a step into the unfamiliar and is possibly dangerous. It also means giving up something familiar and good and satisfying. It frequently means a parting and a separation, even a kind of death prior to rebirth, with consequent nostalgia, fear, loneliness and mourning. It also often means giving up a simpler and easier and less effortful life, in exchange for a more demanding, more responsible, more difficult life. Growth forward is in spite of these losses and therefore requires courage, will, choice, and strength in the individual, as well as protection, permission and encouragement from the environment..."

and

"To be strong, a person must acquire frustration-tolerance, the ability to perceive physical reality as essentially indifferent to human wishes, the ability to love others and to enjoy their need-gratification as well as one's own."

Well. So there are powerful creative forces in play, and I will take this as validation of sorts, for what it's worth. So many times I have been told and realized independently that remorse for past actions undertaken in good faith is of no value, but the reassurance that the painfulness is inevitable but not necessarily an indiction that a grave error was made is welcome nonetheless.

Especially now, at the end of May, when the huge dark cherries on my tree would have been hanging in heavy bunches for me to pluck and savor as I stood under that tree in the park and orchard I made of our back lot...

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When I arrived at work this morning, the manager I report to asked me to come into her office. "I want to talk to you before the others arrive", she said.

The news: because anticipated new business has not materialized, budget cutting will eliminate my current contract position as of the end of this month - in one week.

Later this morning, I picked up a book I bought online that arrived for me in the day's mail - Living in Balance; A Dynamic Approach for Creating Harmony and Wholeness in a Chaotic World.

Over the weekend, Pat and I had a thoughtful look at the finances of early retirement.

Are these events related? Are any events ever really not related?

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It's time for some big changes in the way I have been relating to the world. My fear and anxiety over so many things have restricted me to a very narrow and confining existence in various ways. It's hard to find joy when there is so much dissatisfaction with the way things are - with so little acceptance of what has come before and dread of what may lie in the path ahead.

I nearly didn't go to Oxnard to see my Mexican friend Manuel. I nearly canceled my trip to Fort Collins and Wyoming to check out the potential for a new place to experience life for a while.

Fear. Doubt. Aversion. Grasping.

Fear of what, and how intensely? Doubt which things? What is to be avoided and judged undesirable? What must be clung to, how tightly and for what reasons? What is to be longed for and how desperately? So many choices, so much energy, and ultimately so pointless and unproductive. Exhausting and painful.

It's not enough to know in your mind that not letting go of these excessive mental activities will forever keep you from finding ease and freedom. That not accepting the inevitability of change will cause suffering without end. The choice to experience the present moment and real situation has to come from a deep and abiding acceptance of things that sound plausible when read or heard, but are easily pushed aside by the continuation of a lifetime of conditioned reaction.

So building on the process that has been underway for almost a year now, with much help and encouragement from Mona - my Sister Sangha - I am rolling ahead with renewed commitment to see and experience things as they actually are, and allow for the perfection in that - and in my inherent goodness. To not know and not control and be OK with that, at least for periods of time. I know it won't always go smoothly, but sheesh - it has to be better than what I have been trying to do up 'til now. That would be trying to control and manipulate reality through sheer force of mind, rather than experiencing reality without fabricating elaborate stories, with judgment and fluid conditioned states of mind distorting every experience.

It was a difficult two weeks making those two journeys away from home - but I was more the bodhisattva - the spiritual warrior - than it felt (or appeared no doubt) at the time. Even when it seemed the lowest, I was learning better to see the way to move forward. Learning with my heart, rather than my mind - which can really only take you so far, and often in the wrong direction.

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I heard the poem below read today, and was stuck by the universality of the message - how it rang true to the Buddhist teachings in a way that I can't imagine Mr. Longfellow might have known. "Not enjoyment, and not sorrow, is our destined end or way". Indeed.



A Psalm of Life

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream! --
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our heats, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead
Act,- act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead.

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
a forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us then be up and doing,
with a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

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Donald Olander June 18, 1948 - April 18, 2005

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Our friend Ducky was one of just a few close friends we have anywhere. We only saw him occasionally - but we could be completely at ease with each other, and always found things to laugh about. We would get together for meals out, and to chat about our lives and the cast of characters that populate them.

But we didn't have dinner with Duck two Fridays ago as we had planned. He called the night before to say he was going to finish preparing his tax return Friday for that day's filing dealine. As they say, the only two things you can be sure of in this life...

He called again on Sunday and left a message for us, then again on Monday. Pat tried to return his call, but there was no answer.

That Monday night, probably just after he called and left the last message on our phone, he stopped being the person we knew. The life-force that had organized all his elements into the amiable self that we knew had moved on to wherever such forces go when their time in our presence is over.

We enjoyed his humor and his admired his appreciation for what life had to offer. We will miss him - his appearance and good nature, and his funny vocal mannerisms.

Goodbye Duck.

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