I've been meaning to post some photos from our temporary home in Alameda for a while now. This morning after we walked the dog and before work I finally got the camera out and tried to capture a little of the essence of our block. Later I'll put a few more views of the old base out for you to see.

The photo above shows the house from the front with the maid's quarters in the foreground, or left side. This room and bath are at the end of a sunny hallway passing along the laundry room and utility storage.

Below is a view of the back, which shows the little fenced yard area for the dog. The yard isn't much to look at, but being in the park-like surroundings it doesn't matter too much. Now that we are both working a lot of hours there isn't much time for fussing over a yard anyway. Also below is a view of one of the ship loading cranes across the street as you look beyond our back windows.



It is rather remarkable when the tugs guide a big ocean-going ship by the neighborhood through the estuary. The following views of ships moored on the other side opposite ours don't do justice to that drama.



There are a bunch of these old places in the surrounding blocks. Below is a photo across the next three streets over, where we walk the dog every day. You can see three of the "Big Whites" as they are called lined up on the respective streets.



It's been quite an adjustment setting up housekeeping in this big old naval officers' house. Not the upgrade we imagined far away from our old Hayward house that provided so many pleasant and carefree (in hindsight) years of comfortable living. However, as with so many recent experiences and trials, it seems to be an opportunity to witness the true makings of a life without illusion or false sense of security and permanence.

Once again, Mona has posted in her blog some timely comments. Maybe just a hint of a kindly finger-wag, which I earned with my whining yesterday about the unsatifactorieness of my job and a few other areas.

"All moments are moments of contentment. When they are not, it's because the mind has made a mess of them."

"Nothing is a big deal. It's whatever it is and then it's something else."

-Sylvia Boorstein

I keep running across the same concepts in different books by different authors - our future worries, hopes and expectations, and obsessions with events, mistakes and involvements past diminish our experience of the present with alarming brutality at times. One shouldn't have to draw comparisons to the refugees of the Sudan to find comfort in one's surroundings. This seems a little like trying to profit from their misfortune.

It should be enough to just drop all the baggage and stories and appreciate what is, while moving along the path toward whatever will happen next.



Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

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Turkey-truck crash kills three people

Car collides with truck carrying 11,000 pounds of frozen poultry
Thursday, November 25, 2004 Posted: 6:13 PM EST (2313 GMT)


TAHLEQUAH, Oklahoma (AP) -- A car collided with a tractor-trailer carrying 11,000 pounds of frozen turkeys, killing three people, authorities said Thursday.

The victims were in the car, which drove through a stop sign Wednesday around 6 p.m., according to the Oklahoma Highway Patrol. Nobody in the truck was injured.

"There was nothing we could do about it," said Aaron Gower, a passenger in the truck. "It was like they didn't even know there was a stop sign."



The truth of impermanence...The essence of life is fleeting. Life might be over in the next instant! Remembering impermanence can teach you a lot about how to cheer up. It's OK to let it scare you. Seeing your fear can heighten the sense of gratitude for the preciousness of human birth and the opportunity to practice.

Life is precious and it's brief and you can use it well.

-Pema Chödron

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Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

Mona sent me a note on meditation last night, from the fellow above and his book "Turning the Mind into and Ally". It seems like she always comes up with just the right things at just the right time. The third section is the critical one - it goes to the heart of a lot of material I have been seeing (and experiences I have been having) that relate to the grave error of mistaking our egocentric delusions with an honest perception of reality.

We can't possibly meditate without having first experienced the wildness of mind. We notice the movement of our mind " Oh, a thought". We're learning how to cut through discursiveness.

At every stage, shamatha is a practise of noticing how the mind vibrates. When the mental frequency is no longer vibrating with movement, we experience the naturally even and immovable quality of the mind, if only for a moment.

Believing that thought patterns are a solid self is the source of our bewilderment and suffering. Seeing through this simple misunderstanding is the beginning of enlightment.

Mindfulness and awareness presents us with the revolutionary opportunity to observe that movement without being swept into it.

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Here is what Eckhart Tolle says about this mess (edited a bit by me)...



Another aspect of the emotional pain that is an intrinsic part of the egoic mind is a deep-seated sense of lack or incompleteness, of not being whole. In some people, this is concious, in others unconscious. If it is concious, it manifests as the unsettling and constant feeling of not being worthy or good enough. If it is unconcious, it will only be felt indirectly as an intense craving, wanting and needing. In either case, people will often enter into a compulsive pursuit of ego-gratification and things to identify with in order to fill this hole they feel within. So they strive after posessions, money, success, power, recognition, or a special relationship, basically so they can feel better about themselves. But even after they attain these things, they soon find that the hole is still there, that it is bottomless. Then they are really in trouble, because they cannot delude themselves anymore. Well, they can and do, but it gets more difficult.

As long as the egoic mind is running your life, you cannot truly be at ease....since the ego is a derived sense of self, it needs to identify with external things. It needs to be both defended and fed constantly. The most common ego identifications have to do with posessions, the work you do, social status and recognition,....

None of these is you.

Eckhart Tolle...from The Power of Now

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I'm sure Eckhart would agree that in my case this is why I am so obsessed with the good house and good job - I derive so much of my identity of from these external artifacts. Well, neither of these is me.

And I'm sure Rinpoche would agree that this is one more good reason to find the gap in the silly stories that I repeat endlessly to myself about who and what I am.

Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

Ah, work.

This would be the first day at work for nearly four months. Positive cash flow!

It wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Kind of nice to have a cublicle to hang out in, once I cleaned up the inevitable grime from the previous resident. Most of the day was spent finding documentation online, and how to report time and process trouble tickets. Meeting people, getting organized. I have two weeks to get ramped up to be productive, and begin providing on-call 24X7 coverage during my assigned rotation.



Last night was nearly sleepless, as I worried that I was giving up a better opportunity with a nearby (2.5 mile commute!) company with lavish benefits and a great story. The position was really close to what I have to offer, but as I got a phone interview just prior to my commitment for the 90-day contract I found that I was missing one critical skill set that made me less than the ideal candidate. So this makes the contract the probable best deal I could find locally. I can have peace of mind...something always available, but I seem to need external events to ease me along - more Buddhist reading is in order.

So - we have a decent place to live in a nice area. We have jobs. We and the dog are holding together in good health. Our friends have been kind and in touch. We have three Thanksgiving dinners to attend over the next week. We still have only the vaguest idea what will happen in the spring, but....

Things could be a lot worse.



Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

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Well, it looks like I'm going to accept a contract position that has been offered to me by the company that Pat works for.

I can only hope that at least my employer will treat me well.



Here is the position as it appeared on one of the hight-tech job boards...


Title:
Network Engineer
Skills:
CCIE, Cisco VOIP, VPN, Data Networks,
Cisco

Date:
11-15-2004
Location:
Alameda, CA

Area code:
510
Tax term:
CON_IND

Pay rate:
60/hr.
Length:
6 months +

Job description:

Embarcadero Systems Corp. seeks senior level network engineer with at least 5-7 years experience in design, installation and maintenance of Cisco routed data networks.

Primarily responsible for design and management of routed network infrastructure. Will design and configure networking equipment in support of all major Moves, Adds and Changes for Voice & Data Services.

Design, implement & test all VPN solutions for enterprise. Manage trouble resolution on all network connections. (24 hour on call)Maintain current documentation and backups for all supported internet networking systems.

Must be knowledgable in firewalls, layer 7 switches, VPN concentrators, TAC ACS servers. Will ensure that these systems are in efficient working order and regularly upgraded.

Design and implement router configurations and core Call Manager configurations for new VOIP sites. Engineer, design and assist with implementation of all wireless networks.

Provide design and troubleshooting support for all 3rd party connections to the enterprise. Provide backup support for Cisco Works, N2H2 management applications. Provide backup support for Automatic Call Distribution system.

Other duties as negotiated between management and employee.

Qualifications
Cisco VOIP apps (3+ years)
Experience with voice/data integrated communications
Intermediate to expert skills with the following computer applications: Visio (or AutoCAD), MS Project or other project management software, MS Exchange or other Electronic Mail application.
Ability to travel +25% of the time
Ability to lift and carry 40 lbs.
Will work in hard hat environments
On Call 24x7 (50% of time)

Travel required:
25%

Telecommute:
no

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So much for napping mid-day and hanging out with the M-dog all the time.

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A brown UPS truck pulled up in front of the house today and sent M-dog into a frenzy of barking and charging at the door. The driver brought me a good-size box from Mona in Wyoming.

I had a melancholy sort of day up to this point, me and dog wandering around the boarded up ruins of the old base that surrounds us here. My indecision about what to do about various job options has been wearing on me. More on that later.

So I brought the box to the kitchen table, and opened it. The first thing that appeared was a beautiful small rug of plush red oriental design, rolled up in the middle. Then I saw several pieces of gnarled weathered wood (Mona and I can't help but call it driftwood, although it is from the high desert over thousand miles from any ocean). Almost immediately, I started to cry uncontrollably - which continued while I pulled out of the crumpled pages of the Platte County Merchant several twisted pieces of rusted barbed wire, two votive candle holders, a box of tea light candles, some "Potala" incense from Tibet, a bunch of stalks of various wild grass seeds (protected in two taped-together cardboard toilet paper roll tubes), and a cassette tape Mona thought would be helpful to me in view of all the suffering I have been experiencing over change and loss and worry about the future. I was just so touched by the thoughtfulness, and nostalgic for the source of the artifacts from Wyoming.

I stumbled around the house for a while sobbing and blowing my nose, while I tried in vain to find a small vase for the grass seed stalks among the half-unpacked boxes. The futility of this effort reinforced my sense of loss of home, and temporariness and groundlessness of our present circumstances.

Later, when I regained my composure, I called Mona and thanked her for all the treasures, and discussed my sorry circumstances - or rather my sorry reaction to circumstances, which is the real problem. I know this is all because I am not yet able to have a mature and clear view of change and uncertainty.



The tape from the box was a reading by Leslie Temple-Thurston, a South African immigrant who offers a range of guidance and insight on spiritual matters. This reading is called Change, Grounding, and Balance. It couldn't have come at a better time. It summarized and reinforced a lot of things I've been reading recently about change, and fear of change, and discernment of reality from illusion, and transcending the limitations of a life of negative conditioning.

I tromped up the stairs with tape player, a big glass of red wine, and a candle, and filled the tub with hot water and bubble bath. Then I lay there wrinkling but calm while I listened to the entire thing.

There were a lot of ideas, most of which I have been running into over and over in various books while the troublesome ideas and anxieties crowd into my hours and days and weeks and months. There is an essential inner self that is calm and capable, if only it can be allowed to emerge amongst all the delusional egocentric gnashing of teeth. There is a clear and non-threatening view of the world and its activities available, if only we can stop projecting our fearsome fictional movies in front of us. With all the uncalled-for drama we create in our dealing with our surroundings, our lives hardly even qualify to be called a documentary.

At times like this, after days like this, and weeks and months like this, I have just a glimmer of the truth that it was ultimately for the best that we gave up our perceived comfort and security with our jobs and our house of so many years. It was probably the only way I could be set out on the path toward learning that the only real comfort and security is derived from knowledge that one is complete internally, by their very nature, and all the uncertainties of the external world can't dislodge one from that solid place.



Now I know that - if only I could reach the point where I genuinely feel it. It is important, this adjustment to a more real view of the world and the changes it brings continuously. As in the John Denver tune Mona played for me that day we were in the mountains...sweet, sweet surrender - live life without care - like a fish in the water - like a bird in the air....



Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

I've been meaning to get a post together about the visit with sister Becky in Reno the as I made my way back from the ranch and Wyoming to California. It was good to see the cute place where she lives North of town in the desert, and the life she is putting together for herself now that she has a solid career and a little more stability in her life. I never thought I find myself admiring her settled existence while feeling like I was the gypsy!

After all the truck-driving and other odds and ends she somehow managed to create an opportunity to become an operating room technician, scrubbing to assist various surgeons. Quite an accomplishment for her. A position in high demand - and not one that can't be outsourced to buck-an-hour offshore folks in India thank God.



When Becky relocated from Wyoming to Reno, she trailered her old truck behind her new one. It still rests on the trailer it arrived on. You never know what nostalgia will inspire people to do.



Becky has an old dog named Rowdy - a very sweet guy who got along very well with the M-dog. Becky thinks he had a minor stroke, which gives a slightly goofy lopsided appearance to his face with one ear and one side of his mouth a little askew.



Becky loves her horses (mare Little Bit and gelding Roo if I recall) - and they clearly love her back. Seems to me a little like giant dogs.

It was a really tough time for me, leaving Wyoming and driving all day and all night to reach Reno a few hours before daylight. Becky was great, waiting up for me, and listening to my tales of woe. She shopped for me too, and had wonderful things for sandwiches, chips, apples, carrots...all the things I casually mentioned on the phone that might be good for a meal instead of eating out. Home baked cookies too. After we drank soem good coffee in the morning after a few hours of sleep, we had a nice lunch together, and I packed up some of the goodies that Pat and I would later have when we met up at the rental house in Alameda.

Like my time with Mona, the brief time with Becky took some of the edge off all the disappointments that culminated with the temporary retreat to Califonia.

Thanks Becky! Let's think about how we can own a ranch together someday in Wyoming or Coorado...or Mexico.



Text © 2003-2004 Stanley J. Wolf

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